I want so much out of this life. I want it to mean more than what every other little girl dreams about. I want to do not just great things but amazing things. I can't settle for anything less than the impossible. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've had, I'm thankful for the people I've met and the things they've offered. But I can't keep fooling myself by thinking that is the only thing I'm made for. I'm a runner not the one who stays, yet I've casted myself in the wrong role twice now. I push and push until I break free but I blame it on the other. I'm embracing the current running through me and letting it take me down stream away from everything.

It can chase you down forever... then one day the moment hits you and you realize that the entire time everything you've been running from is exactly what you've been running too/

On those days that I make the mistake of thinking about him.... I just have to say...

"Bless your little heart" and move on. :)

Thinking about everything I've learned quite a few things since march. First off I've matured from a young woman to almost a adult. I'm taking responsiblity and getting things accomplished on my own. I've also learned the value of trying new experiences and not locking myself in. I know that sounds odd but I get locked into situations and determine that I need to see it through the end. I think its actually classified as type of add but I'm not sure all the stats on that. I've also learned that love isnt meant to happen everytime you care about someone. It sound harsh but i've started several new opportunities and then have just let them fizzle out because it wasn't right and it wasn't love. I'm proud of that though....

So I have this list of things I want to do before its too late to do them... and each day that list grows bigger and bigger...

So it might take forever but I am bound and determined to find that type of happiness that lasts forever... these last few months have been amazing. I can't believe I'm almost a fourth of the way done with my massage therapy certification and licensing. Its been unblievable experience... "unbelievable" brings me to ryan. :) God knows what he's doing when he brings people into your life. Its funny that a few months ago he came into my life and now has become such a good wonderful friend. And again I am so thankful for Lindsey Anita Helena Steph Makenly Donielle sherry juliana, all those wonderful people that I'm going through this program and finding such deep connections. especially mak anita and lindsey... God knows exactly what he's doing.... and then there are the amazing women I teach sunday school with... I am so thankful to be in Pod D..... :) God is good.

Driving home from work today , stopped at a stoplight, I looked up at the sky and reminded myself how blessed I am... thinking about the message the day before I sent a prayer up to God. These last few months I feel like I can count the hours in the day by the prayers I send up. And then i realize that there is so much truth behind the unanswered prayers and I am even more thankful for those not being answered then the ones that have been answered. Where would I be today if God answered every prayer I ever prayed? Married to my fourth grade boyfriend! Comical as that thought is other thoughts pass through, like when I thought my high school sweetheart was the one, or that I wanted to be a history teacher.... all of those paths could have turned out alright I suppose, but would I really be doing God's work... Then I went through a bad break up, and thinking about those prayers I am so glad God didn't answer them. As for today.... I've changed how I pray, instead I'm asking God that his will be done and that I can love his people... I opened my heart and mind to his guidance and now preparing for my first test in massage therapy I feel that I am right where I belong. Again riding home from school late at night I prayed on the way home aloud and prayed for the spirit to fall on me and allow me to become an instrument of God's. And for few moments I had that feeling, the one I've always believe is the spirit and I knew loving and helping God's people is where I need to be. I imagine that feeling, the delight and freedom and just feeling God's unending loving wrapping around me is how heaven always feels.... It makes me less afraid to go home, and more moved to pray for the souls of those I love so they can feel that wonderful feeling. As for love.... I cherish my life and I hope that I can bring the joy and love and openness I've found again these last six months into a relationship. I'm not sure what is going to happen... and I'm not sure what falling in love is like.... I know that it isn't a step in a relationship, I know its more than that and sometimes you don't fall.... I know that time is precious and not to be taken lightly because I don't want to move to fast and end up stuck like I was before.... I'll move slowly, pray hard, and trust in God because he formed his plan for me in my mother's womb.

nerves

I have to take a deep breath to say this, and I'll probably be late to work, but whats new....


Its been six months. I'm fine with that... I had all but forgotten here lately, then her picture came up and the relationship status followed and next thing i know I'm thinking, I'm really glad she looks happy... because LORD KNOWS I wouldn't have been happy with him.......

Being cheated on makes me wonder what she had that I didn't.... but at the end of the day I will put all my trust in that it was God's decision not mine and that it was for the best and I am not a lesser person because he chose her and lied to me and cheated and made me feel horrible along with tore me up for about a month..... I wish I could say I was close to forgiveness but I can't stand him. I'm angry that he took my confidence and for a month or so shattered it. He was NOT worth that and I wish he could understand how vile cheating on someone is and then LIEING........


Then again he has to deal with K-A-R-M-A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need an adventure... One of those scared to death take a chance run like the wind kind of adventures. The type where your parents don't really think its the best idea but give their approval anyhow... the type that makes you feel free and overwhelmed all at once.

So I've come to the realization of what went wrong in so many relationships. Out of all the guys I've dated I've only been in love with the first... after that nothing was ever as out of control crazy in love do anything for you as that..... everyone else has been a silent love affair filling the space until something better can do that.... but I'm at the impasse.... a in between floating feeling where I don't want and yet could have..... people approach me and throw out a line smile real big and hope it works but i just can't seem to fall into it .... love should be like the ocean. It should roll in and out calm days and rough salty storms but constant... you should see the bottom of love the way you can't see the floor of the ocean or know exactly whats in the water around you . it should be full of surprises. I have a list in my head of what I want.... I know lists are bad but i consider it guidelines to help me see the picture clearly instead of grabbing the inconsistent.


1. hardworking.


2. approachable


3. honest


4. strong silent type.... capable of taking control and being confident.


5. NO loud mouth obnoxious ready to fight someone just to fight


6. loyal


7. ( this is the most important) God fearing God loving church going and serving.


8. close to his family


9. decent height... 5'10 or taller.


10. loves dogs. and the beach.


11. can handle that I'm going to be a massage therapist and that right now I work in a bar. ( not jealous b/c I wasn't that way until a past b/f was)

12. moderately protective.

I think that is it for right now. Yes I know guys think lists are stupid but they should have on too because they always complain about their girlfriend doesn't let them do this or doesn't like going here or blah blah blah. If they knew more about her to begin with they wouldn't have that problem. I don't want to rush anything... things take time and love takes time to blossom and grow. I want a romance like my grandparents... honest love simple love.

Its a lifetime of deciding what to eat for dinner
colors to pick out, pillows on the couch...
Its looking into someones eyes and seeing laughter
catching their eye for an inside joke
its late night talks with less talking and more late night
its tears when your angry but knowing that the afterwards is worth it

but the hardest thing to imagine is it being real..... it sounds like a fairytale amillion years off.... just the simplest things that are made wonderful because you get to do them with someone you love...

Its one of those days where my mind is full of thoughts that I can't find the words to say. Its like I'm in a tower looking at the wisps of clouds floating by and everyone else is too far below to hear me call out so instead I look to the sky and letting my thoughts drift onto paper instead of out of my mouth.... Its like being stuck inside a day dream but the good kind... where its a comforting feeling.

The silence isn't nearly as glorious as hearing the answer to a prayer spoken in a moment of brokenness laid bare at the Lord's feet.

last night the band that was booked played "Into the Mystic" it was so close to the original sound and after the crazy busy emotionally draining night at work the music swept over me... Cleaning beer bottles and shot glasses off tables lit by neon signs i wasn't sure whether I was fighting the urge to cry or if it didn't matter to me at all... THen I thought, "how far away I've come from who I was with him" I thought about how he requested it at my sisters wedding and held me close while we danced to it, singing it into my hear reminding me of the plans we made and the promise he'd uttered that past may.......but as the band fell deeper into the song i seemed to float away from it.... it didn't hold the same meaning and it wasn't his face that I saw.... it was darker and leaner..... a good many inches taller....

another old flame got engaged. wow. I seriously am wondering what is going on. something must be in the water..... I love my life, and yeah I wish that I could make a connection with someone and see where that takes me.... and yes I want children..... alot of them. My parents still give me a hard time about how I use to claim I wanted six children. ha. But the thing is mostly I just want that companionship, the attraction, and the love.

Roots grow and the clouds shift in and out of purples and oranges drift possibilities..... stretching forth through barriers cold as stone water trickling slow and steady with the heady smell of vines tracing down the stairs. silences conjures the best of day dreams lost in the thoughts of a lifetime of what could Be's ... youth allowing the possibility of tomorrow, the infinite hope beyond that of the everyday man. wonderment in not knowing swallows the fears of not hoping and the realization that this is best settles like a first snow on my shoulders.

Its funny how easily you can forget what someone looks like. laying in the sun today thinking things over I can't conjure your face.

I'm so excited to have time off to do what i want to finally. Even working these short days its exciting and I'm making way more money then i would be if i worked a long day in the cafe, not to mention I have so much more fun.

All of these changes were all set in motion by one simple thing, the ending of a relationship. At the end of the day I need to say thanks, thank you to God for clearing a path and thanks to Josh for shattering my heart into a million pieces inorder for me to put the pieces back in the right places without anyones helps but my own. :)

So life has changed so much since April 1st 2011. I've cut my hair short, I dyed it back blonde, I've dropped 25.4 lbs... I quit my job at Espresso and got a job working in a bar and I decided not to go back to Lander and instead follow my heart and go into massage therapy..... next month I'm going with my dad and brother-in-law and finally getting that next tattoo I've designed and wanted forever.... I mean if you're going to ink yourself atleast let it be art :)

I'm waiting to go into work and I'm thinking about all the blessing in my life...... I have a wonderful family, great friends, I found a new job after only searching for a week that I love and make great money at.... I am blessed. I thought that I would feel an emptiness by not having a companion to share things with... some days I do but its so rare that the feeling in nothing but a passing moment of oh.... then I resume my normal life. Last night listening to my cousin talk at 2am about life and how hard it was I got the opportunity to think about everything... life can be hard, but it is even harder to walk away from life...... life is a dance and I have no clue what the steps are. some days I'm falling everywhere with no rhythm or hope for it and then other days its a graceful ballet.....

We met again last night, I can still feel you wandering in my mind....

The clock stops and with in does the ticking of my mind
I let my hands drift over surfaces changing with each day dream that passes me by
the quiver shakes down my spine and i listen to the familiar trying to pick out the undefined
the humming fills my ears and i whisper to it
eyes shut tight against the noise i search my mind til i find it....
stepping deep into the memory i allow the tweaks to take place
the temperature is cooler the leaves a deeper hue
the noise and smells from traffic disappear into a vapor
my own footfall echos my mind resounding with the sound
black and white images fall in line as i fly through them......
I'm searching for you I'm searching through the silence looking through the kudzu vines
Its a back seat images not whizzing by but strolling gingerly
I snuggle close to you and you say "It took you long enough"
I smile leaning against you taking in your smell ..... "I'm here now" the windows fall away and the open air carriage clops through the cobble stone of Charleston streets and I know I'm home... the vines twist and the sea sounds against the walls and I know that I am home....
The humming drums at my eyes and i peer out into the open.... Holding on to my day dreams my hands still gliding over the surface of the keys I think about love and that man who's face I don't know but heart I recognize... I drift back to Charleston for a moment then step fully into my obligations in reality.

I rather be single forever than get involved with the wrong man and spend a life time wishing I would have waited so I could do the things I really want to...... Its funny that guys think they can win you over by saying a few words here and there like "I missed you today" or calling you babe, but what they don't get is not everyone is that way... not everyone wants the first man to come to her... I want something different. I can't get stuck in what i was in before. I'm not asking for much.

starting work at bubba annie's bar tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its a sad thing to think that one mistake could jade a life time....

Today I resigned from espresso cafe after working there since 2006. My final day is a week from tomorrow.... I start work at Bubba Annies Bar on tuesday..... its a new adventure.

Sometimes hard decisions have to be made keeping in mind what is best for you....

the guy from yesterday came back today!

I keep listening to Crazy Girl By ELi Young Band.... My heart is changing a bit more everyday. I hold on to this hope that there is someone perfect for me and that if I hold on long enough I will find him. I wonder all the time who reads my blog, I wonder if those who I care about and those I don't read it and what they think. If my daily updates make people smile laugh or I know at times mad. Lately I' ve been wondering how big life is... there is so much to see so much to make a reality. There is children to be fed in africa and homes to be built in areas devasted by tornados..... there is art to create flowers to pick, drinks to be drank next to the ocean and love to fall into............ I'm sure there is fights to be had, tears to cry and feelings that will get crumpled in the search for the unbelievable..... but there is so much possibility... endless is truely endless.... life can take so many paths.... finally I'm taking charge of my path..... I'm in a career that is wide open.... i can go anywhere........ i get to be who i really am.... i can help people yet be the artsie silly big hearted young woman I am...................... hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see," .............................

At work I always get questions about if I'm dating anyone now whats going on with school, how's my dad.... the usual stuff. Rach and Vicky like to tease me about a certain customer that comes in daily that I've developed a fondness for...

Last night I had another vivid dream..... I had been thinking about it on my way to work but then other things consumed my mind. . . later I had a table with a guy that looked so familiar yet I couldn't place how I know him.... He was just my type. Tall thin dark hair great smile.

I keep pondering who he might be and how I might know this guy... the girls tease me because I always say prince charming may come walking through that door.... as strange as it might seem that guy resembled the guy i brushed by on the stairs in my dream. how bizzare..........

I know my thoughts are scattered today. I keep falling back to this one guy. I've got him stuck inside my head in away that hasn't happened since the first night I hung out with my highschool sweetheart almost six years ago.

I'm still sticking to my guns and not dating until march...

The things i've been thinking most about lately has been what now. I start school soon, life is going in the right direction but what now.... where am i with love. four guys have tried to get close in these few months and i run everytime....

so today has been one of the harder days that I've had in awhile... i woke up this morning thinking about things and it kinda set my day on a tilt. I kept thinking, " why do guys make promises to girls. I know that I didn't ask to be promised forever. I was told enough times that i believed it but I never begged to hear it. Why do guys make statements they know they can't for sure keep but its like word vomit over and over and over.... if they keep their mouths shut and it does go sour atleast then girls don't mull over why the hell they said what they said." to continue on that train of thought, guys reinforce it by posting songs on our facebooks and writing poems and sending txts "baby i never knew how much i could love someone until i met you" yuck. seriously???

I've also decided that having two nightmares weeks apart about an ex isn't a good sign either. I mean serious nightmares... thankfully I DON'T have to ever see him again. I guess I felt more trapped than I realized in my past relationship. Alex was trying to explian to me about him and his ex and her feeling trapped but how she talked about marriage and then up and left and I got to think she did feel trapped but she thought if she resigned herself to marrying him she would be okay with it and even happy. thats what happened..... now I'm so scared of getting caged in by another guy. I can't commit. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think of committing and bringing a guy into my family. I don't like txting and I don't want to talk on the phone. I'm happier with the idea of the unknown then knowing something and being disappointed. Its insane. I have this huge dream now and I want to accomplish it and honestly I can't see having a serious boyfriend as a goodthing. I don't want to be held back like I was before.

Last night I dreamed that me and mack went shopping, a guy I had gone out on a date with was there trying to shop lift jeans...I very odd considering he's in the army and makes good money I'm sure. Well I'm talking to him flirting when I see my ex who thinks we are together in my dream. then mack pulls out her laptop and get on the computer, well I go to the jewerly counter and my ex grabs me and draws a ring on my right hand then shoves this yellow gold engagement ring on my finger and says your marrying me. I freak as he drags me out of the store.. i finally get the thing off my finger and run to find mack, who is no where to be found. I panic and grab her stuff and try to find her and get to the car to get away.... I woke up yelling sick to my stomach.........

After that dream I've decided that I have serious committment issues...... I mean I don't even like txting the same guy too much without getting nervous... and Two gold engagment rings are out of style.

I had a dream last night that I was at my ex's house because I got stranded... and the whole time i thought about how they hated me..... it was a horrible dream and all i can think about is things i've said in anger and now I just want to shake the feeling and forget 13 months out of my life....... moving on................................

My sister and brother in law are moving home to greenville in a week and a half and will be living within five miles of my home.... I can't believe both my daddy's girls are moving home the same summer for good. Now that I am starting massage school in august and living here I know that God has had a hand in everything these last few months.... I can't believe how lucky I have been. I havn't been this happen in such a long time that I can hardly contain myself. I need nor want for anything. I have a wonderful family, best friends and a life full of possibilities.... God is so good and I am so thankful for his blessings.

Sitting on the porch yesterday with my bestfriend gossiping about life men hopes and dreams I realized somethings about myself. I have a goal and dreams and they are going to come true. Letting things go is the easiest thing to do once you decide life is happy when you do.

I also realized that even though I have no desire to date anyone I still can care about him. Driving home I tried to sort out what I've been describing to him as complicated for the last few months... Yes he is my closest guyfriend and yes we will never be more then good friends. But I am protective over him and I enjoy him. But I also realized I feel what I do because he didn't push me to and I didn't expect to. He gives me my space and respects my dreams. When we disagree it is nothing more then a disagreement. I tell him time and time again that "were like fire and gasoline your I'm no good for you and your no good for me" but i still care about him and thats perfectly okay. :) :) :)

My Apology

Everyday I find out something new about myself... Everyday I figure out something more about life and people and learning not to be selfish, learning that words can cut deep to the soul. Yesterday as I got ready to go out I prayed asking God to take what is out of my control completely out of my control and to roll with it... I asked for his peace. And I prayed for you. I'm impulsive and stubborn and I have a temper, and in my temper i said hurtful things. I prayed that He bless you and give you happiness in your relationships and life. So this is my final goodbye... you are erased from my life... its behind me.... I'm disconnected from you permantely. Life is short. I start massage school in August, I'm half way through my bachlors, and my life is good.... moving on is good.

I set my life up in time frames of what I am going to do at a certain time... one day I am going to give myself a day NOT to have a schedule for everything....

now that I am home life is so much easier. I don't feel so empty anymore... instead I feel relieved.

I broke off all ties with "A" .... and for now I'm not talking to "T".

I promised myself I would stay single until my 21st birthday..... ten more months.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me right now. But I am sure that I like not knowing.

Lately I've been closing my eyes and seeing the beach... its beautiful and the cold liquore drink in my hand makes it even better... I breath in and can smell the salt from the ocean.

I wish I knew the words to explain the thoughts that are clouding my mind. My life has moved on and I'm happy with it. Yet something has triggered the pain of thinking about everything thing I haven't allowed myself to contemplate. I'm okay with moving on. I'm okay with finding someone knew. I'm okay that I've gone out with several different people in these last few weeks, its exhilarating... I have all the time I need and I'm going to take it, but there is something about the comfort of a relationship that I miss. I've matured enough to know that I don't miss him, I miss the idea of what we had... of what I thought that we had... but life goes on and I know what wasn't real and what was... I didn't know he lied to me... I didn't know that it had been happening the whole time but I'm okay. God has a reason for everything and I know why and I'm happy. I'm thankful. I'm even more thankful that in two days I'm heading back to my hometown and all of the pain and the memories can disappear for four months giving me enough time to get over the sting and be one hundred percent.

hey happiness I feel you :)

here's no time for tears,
I'm just sitting here planning my revenge
There's nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends
And if you come around saying sorry to me
My daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be

[Chorus]

And if you're missing me,
You'd better keep it to yourself
'cause coming back around here
Would be bad for your health...

'cause I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who's really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
In case you haven't heard,
I really really hate that...

So I keep thinking about everything that happened and baby I don't miss you one bit. I stumbled upon your old teeshirt...... I breathed in and all i thought about was how you smelled and the way you use to hold me in your arms... and I thought wow... I am free. No more having to worry about anyone else No more putting my dreams on hold, no more turning down what could be..... If i could run I would, I'd never look back, I'd smile and laugh everyday in the sunshine and think wow I'm lucky. I watched this couple on tv last night talk about how he "promised" to never let it go and I just laughed and thought stupid woman he is lying. He'll leave the first time he gets the urge...... but i may not have run away from this small town where everything reminds me of you, but I'm making my own memories...... I'm laughing in the sunshine and I'm smiling in the rain, I'm learning how beautiful this life can be without anyone else in it. I've made my own happiness. :)

Don't worry I'm strong, I'll keep moving on ...

i know what you did and I won't forgive you for it. don't try.

I killed a spider today... a big one. I know that doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment but even though right now my skin is crawling and I want nothing more than to run I'm proud. Normally I would scream and call some guy to come fix my problem.... and as I stood there looking at the spider I realized I've got to learn to do this on my own. I can't expect some guy to make this all better for me. I can't keep waiting on prince charming to show up and take me away from the scary or hard things in life. Love is strong, and the greatest but it doesn't fix everything...... I'm hurting right now..... but I'm on the road to recovery.... every step away from him I take is one step stronger in myself............. I believe in chance and I think that I have the chance to become who I need to be and finding the RIGHT man for me... trusting my gut is a priority.......

Baby why you wanna cry?
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes
We’re gonna do what lovers do
We’re gonna have a fight or two
But I ain’t ever changin’ my mind

Crazy girl, don’t you know that I love you?
And I wouldn’t dream of goin’ nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy, girl

Wouldn’t miss a single day
I’d probably just fade away
Without you, I’d lose my mind
Before you ever came along
I was livin’ life all wrong
Smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine

Crazy girl, don’t you know that I love you?
And I wouldn’t dream of goin’ nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy, girl

Crazy girl

Crazy girl, don’t you know that I love you?
And I wouldn’t dream of goin’ nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately,
I love you like

Crazy, girl, don’t you know that I love you?
And I wouldn’t dream of goin’ nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy, girl

Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy

Eli Young band


I read these words and I don't understand why you changed your mind. It seems like everyone has left and now that I'm all alone I see things from a different perspective... I'm not unhappy but I'm not secure as I once was...... how could you just turn your back on me? I loved you from the second week I knew you.............

So I was thinking about this alot lately... I don't think I'm the marrying type. It just seems that relationships for me run there course and when its over, I move on and don't think twice... I just don't know if there is someone who can fit the bill for everything for me. I rather have the life I want alone than compromise for a life that is made up of someone elses dreams.

so this is my plan. I'm going to not date anyone for a LONG time. I'm going to study abroad and my ultimate wish is to find a tall (minimum 6ft) scottish duke baron prince whatever who is head over heels in love with me can't live without me. And if that doesn't work after school I'm moving to the beach with my bestfriend working for awhile before going back to grad school and then working in a museum... and i'm going to date around and find out what I really want in a guy.... take me time. my biggest regret is that after so long he still didn't know my eye color. green not blue.

Last night I finally took something to help me sleep, after reading for a bit to seal the deal I slept hard. I had the best dreams. My hurt that I've been feeling was in those dreams, the conflict that I am so terrified of was realized. And it was okay. I woke up this morning and my head is pounding and my eyes still hurt but I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. I've always had vivid dreams, and I've always felt like they told me something that I needed to know. . . I dreamed about josh breaking up with me and talking to Katie and talking to my PopPop and all those things have happened the way I dreamed. How bizarre. But my dream last night told me I'm okay. And that this is for the best. Sad isn't it? Yet I'm okay and I woke up happy. Today I didn't wake up wishing this was a horrible dream. Today I realized all will be okay.

I wish I was somewhere tropical right now. I wish that I was with a bunch of friends getting ready to go out to a tropical party on the beach. I wish that my head wasn't numb from pain and my eyes swollen... I was talking to God and wondering.. Why does life happen the way it does. My prayer is to accept life for what it is and not try to change it. I'm brokenhearted right now. I don't think you ever stop loving someone that you love completely. My prayers right now are all confused. I'm praying for him to come back to me, but I'm leaving it in God's hands. He knows what is right for me. As many tears as I've cried I'm finally beginning to feel a peace. God gives us miracle chances. Sometimes it is to fix what went wrong, sometimes its to start fresh. I know that I love Joshua dearly. I know that I would give anything for him to walk through my door right now and tell me this is a horrible dream and will all be over soon. But I also know that nothing can be fixed with a magic wand. I love a man and that won't change. I want him to come back to me. But I want what God intends for me. I'll keep my heart pure for that....