i know so many things but today its like a heart beat with in me. its a secret i hold and your simply not good enough to share it with. Its a city and i was born to it like a child to its mother the silence overwhelms me but i come back time and time again. its hold is terrifying and talon like grip never is shaken for long. its chills and horror but its luxury and wonder and somehow its claim has increased and pulled and captivated and i shall never be free

rhythm rhythm rhythm flowing through my body taking control taking me out of here dancing to the sounds throwing my head back taking me way hip thigh butt sway sway sway its all seconds to minutes to in betweens.... no stopping me moving moving moving feeling all I can feel let go and forget everything that is in betweens and let the music take me away and in no car do i drive city lights change people frayed speed by me black and white yet as the blurs move I'm still here clear as day and then it stops and i know that your here........ your the music in my hands your the feeling in my hands the light in my eyes...... and i can stand and i leap to the top building strong and fierce i am invincible because i have you....

I want to be on a deck over looking the ocean at sunset I want to watch the sun fall into the water and see the orange yellow reds shimmering under the water. I want the salt in the breeze. I want a chance to breath. I want to lean in to Josh and take it all in with him. Feel the warmth of his hand in mine. I want to lay in a hammock all night and swing and talk and let the night engulf us.

what do you do when there is nothing left to do? what do you do when words fail and your heart has fallen... fallen hit the ground.. fallen into the cement and your wondering how you suppose to pick it up. What do you do when you know the answer but wonder how he could have changed his mind? was it easy, did it happen fast? or was it something that had been happening over along time. Did you close you eyes one night and decide you had enough? was it that one last fight that through you over the edge? Does that mean that I don't have the worth to make someone happy?
NO. Let me tell you what it means. It means you scrape the pieces of your heart up of the ground. You use your friends, your family, and your faith in God and you draw courage from the crevices in your life that you never thought you would use. You take comfort in the fact that you are strong, you have a purpose, and that you'll never be lonely.

Life isn't about the chase. It about the steps it takes to be the person you want to be. Life is about learning to triumph with others in their accomplishments.

Its 11:34pm and I am wide awake. Today is one of those days when I don't understand reason and rationality escapes completely. I wish i could climb the clouds and sit in the sky. Looking down maybe I could better understand all of this.....

Its understandable for life to sometimes through some curve balls your way but other times its like woah. really??? Can I just get out of this?

Struggles are inside of me
telling me who I can and can't be
Hated words filled with rage handed down on silver plates
deafening sounds catastrophic in nature
silents prayers for understanding and patience

following the beat in my heart its swirling like the leaves of fall
I'm singing and no one can hear me
sweet melodies watching the lights turn
from day to night night to day
I dream about us I dream about comfort
falling from the sky in wet serenity
you can't hear me now
you can't feel me now
but I'm here... I'm waiting

It evades you for half of you're life. You chase it down. Its hidden in the sound of the rain on the window. Its the smell in the air. Its a sunset and its the early mornings.



Its fear and struggle. Its endurance and strength... You'll close you're eyes, whether its a silent prayer or the scream inside a curse .. whether it draining or invigorating...



There is a point alone in the dark, phone tucked beneath your ear listening to the voice that has you... then in that point you know... this is the one. This is the sound track to my life. The sound of a hello on the other end of the line, full of love. For once realizing that no matter what you do that love won't leave. He will be there forever.



It evades you for half of your life... then it walks in arms open and you know from this moment on you will never be alone...

In that second tears slip down you're face. Everything that was once ugly in life is now beautiful. You are the most beautiful you will ever be, in love. You know that this one person holds the key to everything and the risk behind it, the chance of falling.... is nothing. If you live one hundred more sunsets or one, you've lived fullest. You embrace what is and understand what will be and you smile... from this point on you've changed. You now know true unending love...







( I love you Joshua. This poem is for you. Thank you for making me believe in the invisible...)

Why do we always chose to do things that we know will make us hurt. Life is about the good things, forgetting the past, making the best out of the present and looking forward to the future.... Forget those who have hurt you in the past... what can you do about it? You're only in control of your own destiny... smile because control is an illusion but looking on the bright side of tings will make it work in the end.

I listen to the song Capri about a woman carrying her baby and I wonder... what was it like for a my birthmother to carry me. What went through her mind when she knew, when those fourty weeks flew by she'd be giving away the baby she carried, the one who told her from the inside out she loved her. Now I crave to carry a baby of my own. But to keep her, to hold her, to remind her everyday that I will be here, I will make the right choices, and I wont make the mistakes my parents made

Life is short. It feels like for years I've been fighting a battle trying to sift through the wreckage and find myself, make myself happy, give me that ending that I've lacked.

Its been a year of learning. Two May's ago I graduated from HS and started to grow up. I made some rash decisions, some stupid decisions, and some wonderful choices. College has opened up so much for me and I've become a strong, as my daddy would say, "sassy" woman.

The biggest changes is the passions. A search for a woman who gave me life, a choice to be with a man I love, and a choice to trust that the Lord knows what he's doing.

Today I found out that my highschool sweetheart after 1 1/2 finally got a new girlfriend... and you know how i felt???? HAPPY. I dont know what it is but I'm really happy for him. I hope that he loves her and treats her the way he never treated me. I hope they have a fantastic love story...

Its a wonderful thing to have put the past in the past. I've been blessed with a wonderful man who I adore and adores me. I can't imagine life without him. And because I am so happy it only seems fair that he should be too! More power to him!

Sometimes life is rocky. Everyday can be something different. It all comes down to how you decided to handle it. You can live life wishing you were something else, dreaming of being something else... or you can look at who you are, what you look like, and what you are capable of and you can say, God you don't make mistakes so I'm going to take this canvas that you've painted and I'm going to make the very best of it.

Fear has captivated me, it has held my greatest hopes and dreams at Ransom, pulling me down into a twist world where I am not worthy of the simple desires... love trust and faith...
Yet though gripped with fear of betrayal and hurt I offer up a silent prayer...

Lord,

Take this doubt from my shoulders and remind me that no matter what happens your love will make me whole. Father allow me to trust in you and your plan for me. Let me not forget that you made people to be good and that I too am worthy. Father don't let me get trapped in what tv and movies show me of love stories. Father I believe that you have made a mate for me and that he loves me above others and will not hurt or abandon me. Father I ask you to instill trust and patience along with Father Confidence and self worth because in Your eyes I am precious. And you love me.

Amen.

Trying to sleep with two big dogs in your room, one on your bed on next to your bed, and worrying about your boyfriend going out is a recipe for no sleep... which is what I'm running on. Sad day

In response to my last post.................

Love sees things that other's can't. I believe with my whole heart that his love for me is real.

You can't punish the one you love for the hurt others have bestowed on you. Life is not about

using what other's have done to you as a shield not to get hurt futher, its about taking a risk

loving someone abandoning reason and just following your heart.

Its scary loving someone. I can't think of anything else but him and I am sure that nothing can stop me from loving him and that only his love can do. But sometimes I get scared that one day he is going to wake up and realize that there is still cracks even after he put me back together. To lose a man has never bothered me. I always knew there would be another around the corner... but this time, this time I know that I won't find another who loves me as tenderly, passionately, and unconditionally. And I know that I won't find a man that I trust, desire, and love as greatly as I do him. The intensity surrounds our relationship... we know how to push each other's buttons and we do... I'm just scared that one day his patience for me will run out and when he finally says "I'm tired of your crap" then I know I will fall. I'm not sure if a man can really love me unconditionally. I'm not sure what exactly he sees in me. I've always heard stories about the love of a man's life and how love knows no boundaries when its true love. I believe I truly love him but I guess the real question is whether or not this amazing wonderful love he feels and treats me with can really be like this forever or one day is he too going to "some days love me and some days not....."

Today is a day of discovery.

Love sees things others can't...

Connections are everywhere....

Embrace life, the path is set, all you have to do is follow

If life was a water, dive in

Once upon a time fairy tales never came true. Once upon a time I let someone tell me I wasn't enough, that if I wanted to be deserving I had to change, or just give up. Once upon a time I believed in myself. Once upon a time I became independent. Once upon a time I fell in love with myself again. Then once upon a time met up with you... You rode in a modern knight on a white horse... you stole my heart and swept me away. You let me be strong, you marveled in my strength. You listened to my opinions and respected I didn't need your okay. You fell for more than beauty, you fell for the soul, you taught me how to love again and not be lost my story untold. Once upon a time my fairytale came true... once upon a time I fell in love with you.

I was looking for more personality, I was looking for speciality, I was looking for uniqueness, I was looking for something new.... life had been the same for years... unhealthy, just not in a good place. I struggled to understand why I wasn't happy, I thought the idea I was in love with could get me there. But one day I woke up and realized it was never going to change. I made a tough decision through tears and yes and tears and no... I sat at that table deliberating back and forth back and forth and finally I had enough. I said no more would I be unhappy. No more would I not be enough. No more would you tell me who I was, no more would I miss out on my life. I sat you down and told you, I've lost myself, I sat myself down and told me it was for the better. Its been over a year now, and the girl who use to think she couldn't do it without you faced more struggles and conquored more challenges and came out the woman she is now, happy free and beautiful........ I was looking for more personality, I was looking for speiality, I was looking for uniqueness, I was looking for me.

give up fear give up reason give up control
lay aside time and step away from all that you know
hold on tight to sunsets and slow dances good morning kisses and fits of laughter
moments of calm
Its planning out our future riding to the store driving home together windows down
life is so short driving away from you crushes my heart and draws uncontrollable tears from my eyes
I catch your scent on me whe I turn my head i lay in bed at night remembering your arms around me pretending your holding me as I fall asleep
Its love and its beautiful Its love and its fierce Its love and its real
I'm so sure of you, I'm so sure of us, its a miracle...
Its perfect freedom such a gift from God
I love you.

I am so in love.

I have this fear because the last relationship i was in left such a bad taste in my mouth for love. I'm afraid of love and being loved and making it work even if its hard. I know what i feel but my heart gets scared and sometimes wants the easy way out even though what I have is worth fight for. I've decided I WILL FIGHT with ALL my HEART for this love because I BELIEVE in it and that is WORTH this fight.

There is a blog that I read that had this as a message...


-----Email Message-----I'm so sick of reading anti-choice, misogynistic drivel on your site. Here's a secret for you: a vast majority of women who have abortions don't regret them.



(Alittle background about me.------> I'm adopted through Catholic Charities Dioceses of Charleston. )

So here's my thing....

Dear "I'm so sick of reading anti choice, misogynistic drivel on your site..."
Here's a little secret for you...
I am that abortion that my birthmother would have regretted. She, whether she was put in the situation herself or not, got pregnant. Is my life not worth nine months of suffering until adoption???? Tell me this.... is my life from conception less important than anyone elses????? This is my answer to your psycho analitical babble.... I AM WORTH IT AND THE WOMAN WHO HAD THE HEART, SOUL, AND COURAGE TO CARRY ME IS MORE THAN HALF THE PERSON YOU WILL EVER BE. Think before you speak because you might just offend someone.

I'm a pretty calm mellow levelheaded person. I rarely lose my temper.... because I rarely lose it I don't know what to do when I do.... My blood is boiling right now... my heart is racing... my hands are sweating and i'm about to lose control... best advice??? stay out of my way.

Freedom

Take me away from this place
Trade it for something beautiful
Fly me away from here
Give me the silence
Let me find my thoughts and composure
Up high on a balcony
Let me find my freedom
Let me set myself free
I'll stand alone and listen to the silence
I'll dream and think hope and believe
Take each breath in and exhale out knowing I am alone
In my solitude I find my answers and my strength
I remember I am strong I rember I am fierce
I forget I can I have I might
and relinquish my worry relinquish my pain
I am free I am free I am free

creativity

It taken over the empty cracks constantly fueling a flood of words that crowed the already over run space of what is my mind. It is the constant pulsing of my heart, the analytical illusion of my soul and the meaning behind every word so delicately constructed into a puzzle of metaphors allusions and ideals. It questions my soul, it aggravates my heart, and finally rips free of my mind to take on its own life... A life where it can impact and change so much more than communication. It can uplift, trod upon, create love, inspire a nation. Its simple and yet complex... is is mind.

Its about to get alittle crazy...

Okay so for those of you who don't know, I'm a sorority sister. I LOVE my sorority with all my heart.. but being in one means that I never get to escape girl world. Well because I'm a good sister I try to never say anything to hurt any one's feelings. Well the lids about to get blown off of that right now....

So Sisters of mine, If your reading this... I love you still.... but this is my blog, my venting... deal with it......

First off.... you are in college... If you can't take a harmless joke you should reevaluate why you are so defensive. If you run to your friends and say everyone hates me... you could suffer from paranoid schizophrenia. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it... Don't hang up the phone like a little #@*&% (Add your own choice word here)...

Second off.... STALKING PEOPLE IS NOT OKAY... getting in your car and following stalking out someone residence or where you've seen they might be via facebook is straight creeping and not in a good way. Channel your energy to something productive... like being a detective.. not a freaking crazy stalker.

Third... compulsive lying gets old fast. Your not a good liar and at least learn where your frontal lobe is... I mean seriously how hard is it... frontal... hmmm probably somewhere near the front of your head not the back.

Fourth... Don't make excuses. If you don't want to do something or you like someone better come clean about it... don't make up bullcrap reasons.

Fifth... Don't think everyone is out to get your boyfriend just because your having relationship issues. Its not someone else causing them its more likely than not issues between you. And someone who already has a boyfriend is probably not trying to steal yours. Especially if their's is more attractive, mature, and she is overall in love with him.

Sixth. WEAR the RIGHT size clothes.

and lastly... This is only directed towards a very few people. So don't take this personally... I mean... it is MY BLOG. I can write WHATEVER I choose too. And more than likely this isn't about you. :)

Realizations

Today I figured something out about myself. I am not the college girl you'll find out at a bar on Why Not Wed or Thirsty Thursdays or most of the time not even on the weekends. I'm not the one who is looking for attention in the most flamboyant outfit showing the most skin. I love to have a good time with my friends and I enjoy a good party once in awhile. I had my wild streak... I thought college was about that type of stuff. But what I figured out about myself is for some people college is about that stuff. For me its not. Every now and then I have that urge to go out and go to a bar. But I rather surround myself with good friends in an atmosphere not charged with hormones and sexual tension. I may not be the party girl always ready for a good time but I am the girl next door who wants to have fun, and thats okay.

Rolling time

Today has been one of those days of recognition. My heart has always been venerable, emotions displayed across my face tears welling easily in my eyes. As I've grown older I've learn to hide those emotions (with the help of four years of ROTC) from most everyone excluding my family. I tend to suppress alot. Last night I finally took a pick to my heart of stone and started to chip down the rock surrounding my heart. I am capable of love. I love my family, my pets, my sorority sisters... but when it came to men I feel a sense of distrust and can't help but be wary. I believe all women are, maybe not their first love... first love is always blind. I know we all have our issues and hang ups and life is about recognizing those and learning to overcome them. I've been afraid to lose someone before, but in the end I knew it was for the best so I cut those strings myself. I've dated alot this last year. But I've never been able to balance my freedom with understanding and commitment. I let my heart be shielded because the timing just wasn't right in my life. I'm young. I'm only nineteen so in retrospect I have years to find someone. My preacher said on Easter how he chose his wife to be his partner in this life. Again I am nineteen and have plenty of time to change and grow... YET..



I met my best friend by chance through a mutual friend on Feb.6th.2010 He is different from any type of man I've ever known or cared about. He wants to teach me things I don't know or understand and he's letting me teach him about the things I know. We have different upbringings yet somehow they're not that different at all. He makes me laugh for no reason at all, and when I'm with him everyday tasks are treats. He is my partner in crime, the person I am the most comfortable with outside of my family. His little habits make me fall in love with him more everyday. Its eerie how much we have in common. He is the sunset to my evening and the stars in my sky. The man I love most in this world is my father. My father taught me to love the Lord with my whole heart, my father has done his best to give me and my sister the world, and would gladly give his own life to keep me in this world. I see so much of my father in Joshua. He may have had bumps in his road like every other person. So many times I have heard him say that he must have a someone up there looking out for him to get him unscathed from so many situations, that God must have a purpose for him . The man he is, and the man I know he will become is extraordinary. He is who I have chosen to be my partner in this walk of life.

Once I followed a path of light. I closed my eyes and it stood before me empty and vast yet willing to pull me in. I inhaled deeply and fell... I fell into it and let myself drift. It took me past hills through valleys and brought me to a ocean of freedom. It unfastened my bonds and gave me back the courage and self worth that had been stolen piece by piece word by word. I laid my head against its soft comfort and inhaled again. I moved through fields of color and light as brilliant as sunshine through stain glass. I slid between sheets of silken grass and was tucked beneath a comforter fastened from clouds. Once I followed a path of light.

So today is my 19th birthday and what a birthday its been. Spent the morning in the doctor after having a fever all week only to find out that I have a Kidney infection and have to return the following morning for blood work. Happy Birthday to me. But it could be worse. I am thankful to be alive another year. I have a wonderful family who loves and supports me, amazing friends who all wished me a Happy Birthday too many to count, and a sweet gentle, loving boyfriend who would give me the world if he could. So kidney infection or not it still is a good birthday.

Sometimes my heart speaks to me. Not about love, my heart has already found that and settled. My heart speaks to me about something else. Something I can fight for, something that is coming to test my will, my faith, and my strength. With God's hand on my shoulder I am a fierce warrior. Maybe my fight is internal... finding the path the Lord laid out for me. Maybe it is to be the rock for my family, or maybe it is to fight for a beautiful love that God has graced me with so recently. No matter what He dictates, I am strong in him therefore I will triumphed.

Its funny how you can plan your whole life out and expect it to go how you planned. I wasn't looking for anything in particular... in fact I was convinced I was going to be alone for along time and I was happy with that, the freedom... But out of the blue Josh walked into my life. I've always over analyzed everything in life.. and always let my head to all the work. In him I've found my heart. I've let it take over and I've found something very special. My brother gave me some very good advice when he told me to focus on the person and not on the relationship. I let go of the relationship and just focused on the person and I've found someone who makes my world a brighter place. When I let go, it all falls into place.

Its a summer day in my mind. I can feel the summer heat caressing my face. I can almost see the water now, shining golden blue in the sunlight. Its shorts and tank tops, fresh cut grass and balmy nights in my mind tonight. Its dancing under the moon and singing to the stars, dreaming of forever and falling asleep to the dream of tomorrow.

In reality maybe be cold on the cusp of spring... I'm miles away from where my heart is...

But when I close my mind I'm right there sitting next to you...

Letting Go

Its been a few years now and yet sometimes my dreams reflect the bruises left by my past. I've gone through the steps; denial, hurt, anger, understanding, forgiveness.. yet why am I tormented by dreams of the past? You never forget the things that makes you who you are, you carry the experiences with you forever dictating your life by what you've learned from them. I hope that I take away from my experiences, empathy and mercy. From what it stole I have now retrieved. If I could completely let go of the faded memories that create tattered responses to a long ago cause maybe I could move on with my life... Even though I still have the remnants of a bad experience the baggage has significantly decreased. The child harboring hurt until it imploded has now been replaces by a woman not afraid to speak up and give a voice to the past. I am not afraid to speak up, walk away, and live my life.

Maybe its bad, maybe its not. but all I know is what's going on inside my head. The force of my recognition has tapped into my writings now, captured and held them hostage. Its a passion that's fiery and bold defiant and cold yet the root is simple emotion and for the first time I'm experiencing it. I now understand the consistency of it and I'm not sure If I'm ready to relinquish myself to it... Its a beast that I'm attempting to slay yet have become the slain. Its quick and painless until its taken you and then your stuck in the whirlpool forever drowning. Somehow it manipulates you to do the unthinkable, unimaginable, and at times truly extraordinary. Its terrifying exhilarating and amazing, and finally it's mine.

My mind is crowded. I need my life to be as easy to organize as stack of papers. If only I could go through my normal routine and sit in the middle of my floor, stacks of papers around and make order of the chaos. That would just be too easy now wouldn't it? Instead I'm stuck contemplating my current dilemma... I've become swept up in my emotions and found that I've fallen for someone, someone who I can't stop thinking about and that is a dilemma... My mind belongs to me yet somehow someone else has taken up residency in it... I worry that my writing will reflect that yet my writing always reflects my emotions. I'll need to learn how to channel it but until I'll enjoy it and revel in it because its now where I am in my life.

miss you

I thought that not feeling anything other than a desire for freedom and carving out my own place in this world was all that I would need. I reveled in the fact that I needed no one but my freedom and that everyday was an adventure full of mystery and no attachment. I was conmpletely free of emotional attachment. Yet I'm home for the night from college, I fly to Michigan in the morning to spend a week with my wonderful sister and brother-in-law relaxing and doing the things that sisters do to corrupt one another but something else is tugging at me. There's a small town that someone once told me "If you blink you'll miss" that holds something dear to me. Its not blinking that is making me miss Iva though...

I've never considered myself one to be very superstitious but I've always believed in signs. I've grown up into a world where everyday I find proof of a greater plan, a master design, a purpose for everything, yet sometimes even though all the signs are there, I still hold out. I would say its a fear of being rejected but that's not true. I fear settling for something that causes me to lose my whole self and miss out on the greater things in life. I was with a man, really a boy, for a very long time. In those years we were together I lost a large piece of myself in order to measure up to his twist view of what I should be. When I broke those chains and broke away from him I promised myself that I would never sacrifice my hopes and dreams for a life I wouldn't have otherwise chosen. Since I've made that decision I've stopped letting anyone get close to me in fear that I would fall for them and in return have to be the decision to be with them and follow their path or be free yet alone. A struggled with this for a year before I met him. I wouldn't say I believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in an instant connection because there was something about him that made me gravitate towards him. I'm a very guarded person, even with my family, but somehow he's managed to break down several barriers that has taken those I love the most years to climb, much less shatter. I'm not saying he's managed to do this with every wall and that he is the answer to fixing my problem. I have learned that only me can make me happy and I'm good at doing that. But I am saying when I look at his face, its the face of a man who genuinely cares for me; and to see that in his eyes is like being a child waking up on Christmas morning and knowing you got every present you asked for because to me it is, God's given me the present I've wanted but never would ask for.

Happy

I've been going through the motions of my everyday life for the last year, I've settled into college life, I've accepted my individuality, and I had decided that being one of one instead of part of a whole was just fine with me. Forgive my metaphors, but to come out and say that I had accepted being alone and figuring out how to be happy that way, is much harder to say than not being part of someones whole. Yet I had decided that I could see myself, a year or more from now, single, happy, and following my own path. I had relinquished control and I was happy. Its been said to me before that when you truly give in and make yourself happy is when you find what your looking for, I guess the whole point of that is to stop looking. I am happy and I wouldn't trade the experiences I've gained this last year alone for anything. I've grown up so much more than I could have imagined. I've learned that my family is the most precious gift given to me and that nothing can seperate me from them. I've learned that I can apply myself and be proud of myself. The best part about relinquishing all control and stopping looking for the one guy to make me happy, is that when you finally do stop looking he finally finds you.. the real you.

Time

Some days it feels like I'm floating in time. I know that saying that doesn't make any sense, but I don't feel like any of this is real. It's like i can picture myself doing these things, loving these people, creating a life for myself, but somehow something is holding me back and I'm not sure exactly what that is. Every person has baggage, perhaps that's a better way to phrase it then to say scars. I know I have my fair share but I wonder if they are the reason I am here in a small town, at a relatively small college. Is this college teaching me how to not lose myself or am I falling further away from myself? My dream is to move away to a big city, to fall in love with that city, and use the emotions and passions I find there to capture and document life. I want the feeling, the freedom, of being one lost in a sea of many. I want to find myself away from everything I've ever known, then make my way home, whether home be in that new city, or back in my small town. Either way I need the infinate possibilities... I need it just to survive... I have to hold on to the idea that one day I'm going to provide for myself, and make my own dreams come true.

Fear

I think writing is about tapping into the emotions of your everyday life. To find the rhythm to my writing I close my eyes and let my feelings flow from my heart to my hands. So why If it's so easy to let my feelings flow from my heart to my hands then why is it so hard to have them flow from my heart to my mouth. I've prided myself on never being afraid to talk to someone, and I've learned how to say what I'm thinking but when it comes to saying what I'm feeling my mind goes blank and its just raw emotion stuck in my chest and I'm unable to give my feelings a voice. Maybe I'm scared of hurting someone, maybe I'm scared of confrontation, maybe I'm scared of rejection. But amoungst all of this all the common thing is my fear. If I overcome my fear will I overcome my inability to discusse my feelings?? All I can do is try, and that's something I'm not afraid of.

and I can feel again...

Sometimes something takes over your life. Your not sure how to escape from it, and your not sure that you want to escape from it. You try to avoid it because you want to be different, you don't want to conform, and you sure as hell don't want to know that in reality your just like the others... But just when you think you've finally grown up, that your past whatever it was that had you stuck in it's grip, it hits you. I've spent the last ten months trying to hide the fact that I bet everything on one person. I claimed I didn't believe it love anymore. I doubted that I had ever felt anything real in the first place. I said I never wanted to get married and that I couldn't stand children... Yet in reality I want children. I believe that there is someone your suppose to spend the rest of your life with I believe that everyone finds there one exception to the rule someday... I've lost myself for ten months. I forgot what I believed in. I forgot what I loved, because I was trying so hard to break free of who I was when I was with you. I thought you were holding me back, and you were! But in my struggle to not be held back by anything, I wasn't... My morals, my hopes, my dreams were put aside to chase something else. I thought I was chasing my freedom but instead I found it right where it always was. By trying to sever any emotional attachment to anyone I've bottled all my emotions but today I'm going to shatter the bottle that's held all those emotions. Maybe they'll explode into the world a menagerie of colors sounds lights and hope. But whatever happens I remember what its like to feel again... and if that's all I learned from this... then thats okay by me.

Adoption

My whole life I've only ever thought about adoption through my eyes, the adoptee. Yet tonight I thought for the first time about what it must be like to give your child; the child you carried and loved for nine months, felt move within your womb, the child you birthed through physical pain and incredible strength then gave up for a better life. Everyday I think about my birth parents. So I can only imagine what it would be like to know someone else is raising your baby. Do you wonder if I'm happy? Do you wonder what I look like? Do you wonder if you cross my mind? My whole life I've wondered about these people who gave me a chance at a better life. I've spent hours and hours searching for you. I go back to the city where I was born, I scan the street for a face that I might recognize as familiar to my own. I search not because I'm unhappy, or don't love my adopted parents. I search because these people gave me life, they are my biological family and because no matter what there will always be a bond between us. You gave me life... Thank You.

Andy

My eight am class was cancelled. I could have had an extra hour of sleep. I climbed back down the stair case and out into the frigid morning air toting my book bag and coffe and wondering what I was going to do for the next hour. Going back to the dorm without running the risk of falling asleep was nearly impossible. I decided to set up base in the student lounge until my next class started. I'd been there for a good fourty mintues before they walked in. I noticed him first. His hair was a platinum blonde and his eyes a soulful brown. From the moment he entered the room I was his. She was older, with a hardened look to her face. Her eyes were a deep chocolate brown. They sat across fro me in an empty room full of chairs. He diligently waited on her to be seated then sat himself. After a few quiet moments I had to make my presence known. "what's his name?" I asked. Obviously I had startled her. She apologized for not knowing I was there, and introduced me to Mr. Tibbs. I commented on his good behavior, and we talked a moment about his skill as a service dog. I was about to go back to my note cards when she spoke again. She told me that although the students at our college knew Mr. Tibbs by name, no one had ever taken the time to find out her name. I could hear the loneliness in her voice as she introduced herself, Andy. In the twenty mintues I had left before class I learned that Andy had lost her sigh eighteen months beforehand. She was a truck driver before that, and now was going back to school to recieve her bachelor's in English with a concentration in professional writing. Andy told me of the church she joined, of the weight she'd gained, and of how getting up and attending class changed her. It let her out of the house, and let her talk to real people. As the clock reached nine am, Andy and I said our goodbyes. As a fellow English Major I was sure I was going to see her again. She asked that I introduced myself, because it would take time for her to learn my voice, when she said this her phrasing caught me off guard... "...If Iever wanted to speak to her again.." as if I wouldn't want to talk to her after this morning. Somethign about the wording she chose touched my humanity. I vowed from that point on that everytime I would see Andy I would make it a point to talk to her. By the end of the conversation I had all but forgotten Mr. Tibbs, the adorable yellow lab, but Andy had left an imprint on my heart.