I wish I knew the words to explain the thoughts that are clouding my mind. My life has moved on and I'm happy with it. Yet something has triggered the pain of thinking about everything thing I haven't allowed myself to contemplate. I'm okay with moving on. I'm okay with finding someone knew. I'm okay that I've gone out with several different people in these last few weeks, its exhilarating... I have all the time I need and I'm going to take it, but there is something about the comfort of a relationship that I miss. I've matured enough to know that I don't miss him, I miss the idea of what we had... of what I thought that we had... but life goes on and I know what wasn't real and what was... I didn't know he lied to me... I didn't know that it had been happening the whole time but I'm okay. God has a reason for everything and I know why and I'm happy. I'm thankful. I'm even more thankful that in two days I'm heading back to my hometown and all of the pain and the memories can disappear for four months giving me enough time to get over the sting and be one hundred percent.

hey happiness I feel you :)

here's no time for tears,
I'm just sitting here planning my revenge
There's nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends
And if you come around saying sorry to me
My daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be

[Chorus]

And if you're missing me,
You'd better keep it to yourself
'cause coming back around here
Would be bad for your health...

'cause I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who's really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
In case you haven't heard,
I really really hate that...

So I keep thinking about everything that happened and baby I don't miss you one bit. I stumbled upon your old teeshirt...... I breathed in and all i thought about was how you smelled and the way you use to hold me in your arms... and I thought wow... I am free. No more having to worry about anyone else No more putting my dreams on hold, no more turning down what could be..... If i could run I would, I'd never look back, I'd smile and laugh everyday in the sunshine and think wow I'm lucky. I watched this couple on tv last night talk about how he "promised" to never let it go and I just laughed and thought stupid woman he is lying. He'll leave the first time he gets the urge...... but i may not have run away from this small town where everything reminds me of you, but I'm making my own memories...... I'm laughing in the sunshine and I'm smiling in the rain, I'm learning how beautiful this life can be without anyone else in it. I've made my own happiness. :)

Don't worry I'm strong, I'll keep moving on ...

i know what you did and I won't forgive you for it. don't try.

I killed a spider today... a big one. I know that doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment but even though right now my skin is crawling and I want nothing more than to run I'm proud. Normally I would scream and call some guy to come fix my problem.... and as I stood there looking at the spider I realized I've got to learn to do this on my own. I can't expect some guy to make this all better for me. I can't keep waiting on prince charming to show up and take me away from the scary or hard things in life. Love is strong, and the greatest but it doesn't fix everything...... I'm hurting right now..... but I'm on the road to recovery.... every step away from him I take is one step stronger in myself............. I believe in chance and I think that I have the chance to become who I need to be and finding the RIGHT man for me... trusting my gut is a priority.......

Baby why you wanna cry?
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes
We’re gonna do what lovers do
We’re gonna have a fight or two
But I ain’t ever changin’ my mind

Crazy girl, don’t you know that I love you?
And I wouldn’t dream of goin’ nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy, girl

Wouldn’t miss a single day
I’d probably just fade away
Without you, I’d lose my mind
Before you ever came along
I was livin’ life all wrong
Smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine

Crazy girl, don’t you know that I love you?
And I wouldn’t dream of goin’ nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy, girl

Crazy girl

Crazy girl, don’t you know that I love you?
And I wouldn’t dream of goin’ nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately,
I love you like

Crazy, girl, don’t you know that I love you?
And I wouldn’t dream of goin’ nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy, girl

Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy

Eli Young band


I read these words and I don't understand why you changed your mind. It seems like everyone has left and now that I'm all alone I see things from a different perspective... I'm not unhappy but I'm not secure as I once was...... how could you just turn your back on me? I loved you from the second week I knew you.............

So I was thinking about this alot lately... I don't think I'm the marrying type. It just seems that relationships for me run there course and when its over, I move on and don't think twice... I just don't know if there is someone who can fit the bill for everything for me. I rather have the life I want alone than compromise for a life that is made up of someone elses dreams.

so this is my plan. I'm going to not date anyone for a LONG time. I'm going to study abroad and my ultimate wish is to find a tall (minimum 6ft) scottish duke baron prince whatever who is head over heels in love with me can't live without me. And if that doesn't work after school I'm moving to the beach with my bestfriend working for awhile before going back to grad school and then working in a museum... and i'm going to date around and find out what I really want in a guy.... take me time. my biggest regret is that after so long he still didn't know my eye color. green not blue.

Last night I finally took something to help me sleep, after reading for a bit to seal the deal I slept hard. I had the best dreams. My hurt that I've been feeling was in those dreams, the conflict that I am so terrified of was realized. And it was okay. I woke up this morning and my head is pounding and my eyes still hurt but I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. I've always had vivid dreams, and I've always felt like they told me something that I needed to know. . . I dreamed about josh breaking up with me and talking to Katie and talking to my PopPop and all those things have happened the way I dreamed. How bizarre. But my dream last night told me I'm okay. And that this is for the best. Sad isn't it? Yet I'm okay and I woke up happy. Today I didn't wake up wishing this was a horrible dream. Today I realized all will be okay.

I wish I was somewhere tropical right now. I wish that I was with a bunch of friends getting ready to go out to a tropical party on the beach. I wish that my head wasn't numb from pain and my eyes swollen... I was talking to God and wondering.. Why does life happen the way it does. My prayer is to accept life for what it is and not try to change it. I'm brokenhearted right now. I don't think you ever stop loving someone that you love completely. My prayers right now are all confused. I'm praying for him to come back to me, but I'm leaving it in God's hands. He knows what is right for me. As many tears as I've cried I'm finally beginning to feel a peace. God gives us miracle chances. Sometimes it is to fix what went wrong, sometimes its to start fresh. I know that I love Joshua dearly. I know that I would give anything for him to walk through my door right now and tell me this is a horrible dream and will all be over soon. But I also know that nothing can be fixed with a magic wand. I love a man and that won't change. I want him to come back to me. But I want what God intends for me. I'll keep my heart pure for that....