Driving home from work today , stopped at a stoplight, I looked up at the sky and reminded myself how blessed I am... thinking about the message the day before I sent a prayer up to God. These last few months I feel like I can count the hours in the day by the prayers I send up. And then i realize that there is so much truth behind the unanswered prayers and I am even more thankful for those not being answered then the ones that have been answered. Where would I be today if God answered every prayer I ever prayed? Married to my fourth grade boyfriend! Comical as that thought is other thoughts pass through, like when I thought my high school sweetheart was the one, or that I wanted to be a history teacher.... all of those paths could have turned out alright I suppose, but would I really be doing God's work... Then I went through a bad break up, and thinking about those prayers I am so glad God didn't answer them. As for today.... I've changed how I pray, instead I'm asking God that his will be done and that I can love his people... I opened my heart and mind to his guidance and now preparing for my first test in massage therapy I feel that I am right where I belong. Again riding home from school late at night I prayed on the way home aloud and prayed for the spirit to fall on me and allow me to become an instrument of God's. And for few moments I had that feeling, the one I've always believe is the spirit and I knew loving and helping God's people is where I need to be. I imagine that feeling, the delight and freedom and just feeling God's unending loving wrapping around me is how heaven always feels.... It makes me less afraid to go home, and more moved to pray for the souls of those I love so they can feel that wonderful feeling. As for love.... I cherish my life and I hope that I can bring the joy and love and openness I've found again these last six months into a relationship. I'm not sure what is going to happen... and I'm not sure what falling in love is like.... I know that it isn't a step in a relationship, I know its more than that and sometimes you don't fall.... I know that time is precious and not to be taken lightly because I don't want to move to fast and end up stuck like I was before.... I'll move slowly, pray hard, and trust in God because he formed his plan for me in my mother's womb.

nerves

I have to take a deep breath to say this, and I'll probably be late to work, but whats new....


Its been six months. I'm fine with that... I had all but forgotten here lately, then her picture came up and the relationship status followed and next thing i know I'm thinking, I'm really glad she looks happy... because LORD KNOWS I wouldn't have been happy with him.......

Being cheated on makes me wonder what she had that I didn't.... but at the end of the day I will put all my trust in that it was God's decision not mine and that it was for the best and I am not a lesser person because he chose her and lied to me and cheated and made me feel horrible along with tore me up for about a month..... I wish I could say I was close to forgiveness but I can't stand him. I'm angry that he took my confidence and for a month or so shattered it. He was NOT worth that and I wish he could understand how vile cheating on someone is and then LIEING........


Then again he has to deal with K-A-R-M-A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need an adventure... One of those scared to death take a chance run like the wind kind of adventures. The type where your parents don't really think its the best idea but give their approval anyhow... the type that makes you feel free and overwhelmed all at once.

So I've come to the realization of what went wrong in so many relationships. Out of all the guys I've dated I've only been in love with the first... after that nothing was ever as out of control crazy in love do anything for you as that..... everyone else has been a silent love affair filling the space until something better can do that.... but I'm at the impasse.... a in between floating feeling where I don't want and yet could have..... people approach me and throw out a line smile real big and hope it works but i just can't seem to fall into it .... love should be like the ocean. It should roll in and out calm days and rough salty storms but constant... you should see the bottom of love the way you can't see the floor of the ocean or know exactly whats in the water around you . it should be full of surprises. I have a list in my head of what I want.... I know lists are bad but i consider it guidelines to help me see the picture clearly instead of grabbing the inconsistent.


1. hardworking.


2. approachable


3. honest


4. strong silent type.... capable of taking control and being confident.


5. NO loud mouth obnoxious ready to fight someone just to fight


6. loyal


7. ( this is the most important) God fearing God loving church going and serving.


8. close to his family


9. decent height... 5'10 or taller.


10. loves dogs. and the beach.


11. can handle that I'm going to be a massage therapist and that right now I work in a bar. ( not jealous b/c I wasn't that way until a past b/f was)

12. moderately protective.

I think that is it for right now. Yes I know guys think lists are stupid but they should have on too because they always complain about their girlfriend doesn't let them do this or doesn't like going here or blah blah blah. If they knew more about her to begin with they wouldn't have that problem. I don't want to rush anything... things take time and love takes time to blossom and grow. I want a romance like my grandparents... honest love simple love.