I'm waiting to go into work and I'm thinking about all the blessing in my life...... I have a wonderful family, great friends, I found a new job after only searching for a week that I love and make great money at.... I am blessed. I thought that I would feel an emptiness by not having a companion to share things with... some days I do but its so rare that the feeling in nothing but a passing moment of oh.... then I resume my normal life. Last night listening to my cousin talk at 2am about life and how hard it was I got the opportunity to think about everything... life can be hard, but it is even harder to walk away from life...... life is a dance and I have no clue what the steps are. some days I'm falling everywhere with no rhythm or hope for it and then other days its a graceful ballet.....

We met again last night, I can still feel you wandering in my mind....

The clock stops and with in does the ticking of my mind
I let my hands drift over surfaces changing with each day dream that passes me by
the quiver shakes down my spine and i listen to the familiar trying to pick out the undefined
the humming fills my ears and i whisper to it
eyes shut tight against the noise i search my mind til i find it....
stepping deep into the memory i allow the tweaks to take place
the temperature is cooler the leaves a deeper hue
the noise and smells from traffic disappear into a vapor
my own footfall echos my mind resounding with the sound
black and white images fall in line as i fly through them......
I'm searching for you I'm searching through the silence looking through the kudzu vines
Its a back seat images not whizzing by but strolling gingerly
I snuggle close to you and you say "It took you long enough"
I smile leaning against you taking in your smell ..... "I'm here now" the windows fall away and the open air carriage clops through the cobble stone of Charleston streets and I know I'm home... the vines twist and the sea sounds against the walls and I know that I am home....
The humming drums at my eyes and i peer out into the open.... Holding on to my day dreams my hands still gliding over the surface of the keys I think about love and that man who's face I don't know but heart I recognize... I drift back to Charleston for a moment then step fully into my obligations in reality.

I rather be single forever than get involved with the wrong man and spend a life time wishing I would have waited so I could do the things I really want to...... Its funny that guys think they can win you over by saying a few words here and there like "I missed you today" or calling you babe, but what they don't get is not everyone is that way... not everyone wants the first man to come to her... I want something different. I can't get stuck in what i was in before. I'm not asking for much.

starting work at bubba annie's bar tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its a sad thing to think that one mistake could jade a life time....

Today I resigned from espresso cafe after working there since 2006. My final day is a week from tomorrow.... I start work at Bubba Annies Bar on tuesday..... its a new adventure.

Sometimes hard decisions have to be made keeping in mind what is best for you....

the guy from yesterday came back today!

I keep listening to Crazy Girl By ELi Young Band.... My heart is changing a bit more everyday. I hold on to this hope that there is someone perfect for me and that if I hold on long enough I will find him. I wonder all the time who reads my blog, I wonder if those who I care about and those I don't read it and what they think. If my daily updates make people smile laugh or I know at times mad. Lately I' ve been wondering how big life is... there is so much to see so much to make a reality. There is children to be fed in africa and homes to be built in areas devasted by tornados..... there is art to create flowers to pick, drinks to be drank next to the ocean and love to fall into............ I'm sure there is fights to be had, tears to cry and feelings that will get crumpled in the search for the unbelievable..... but there is so much possibility... endless is truely endless.... life can take so many paths.... finally I'm taking charge of my path..... I'm in a career that is wide open.... i can go anywhere........ i get to be who i really am.... i can help people yet be the artsie silly big hearted young woman I am...................... hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see," .............................

At work I always get questions about if I'm dating anyone now whats going on with school, how's my dad.... the usual stuff. Rach and Vicky like to tease me about a certain customer that comes in daily that I've developed a fondness for...

Last night I had another vivid dream..... I had been thinking about it on my way to work but then other things consumed my mind. . . later I had a table with a guy that looked so familiar yet I couldn't place how I know him.... He was just my type. Tall thin dark hair great smile.

I keep pondering who he might be and how I might know this guy... the girls tease me because I always say prince charming may come walking through that door.... as strange as it might seem that guy resembled the guy i brushed by on the stairs in my dream. how bizzare..........

I know my thoughts are scattered today. I keep falling back to this one guy. I've got him stuck inside my head in away that hasn't happened since the first night I hung out with my highschool sweetheart almost six years ago.

I'm still sticking to my guns and not dating until march...

The things i've been thinking most about lately has been what now. I start school soon, life is going in the right direction but what now.... where am i with love. four guys have tried to get close in these few months and i run everytime....

so today has been one of the harder days that I've had in awhile... i woke up this morning thinking about things and it kinda set my day on a tilt. I kept thinking, " why do guys make promises to girls. I know that I didn't ask to be promised forever. I was told enough times that i believed it but I never begged to hear it. Why do guys make statements they know they can't for sure keep but its like word vomit over and over and over.... if they keep their mouths shut and it does go sour atleast then girls don't mull over why the hell they said what they said." to continue on that train of thought, guys reinforce it by posting songs on our facebooks and writing poems and sending txts "baby i never knew how much i could love someone until i met you" yuck. seriously???

I've also decided that having two nightmares weeks apart about an ex isn't a good sign either. I mean serious nightmares... thankfully I DON'T have to ever see him again. I guess I felt more trapped than I realized in my past relationship. Alex was trying to explian to me about him and his ex and her feeling trapped but how she talked about marriage and then up and left and I got to think she did feel trapped but she thought if she resigned herself to marrying him she would be okay with it and even happy. thats what happened..... now I'm so scared of getting caged in by another guy. I can't commit. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think of committing and bringing a guy into my family. I don't like txting and I don't want to talk on the phone. I'm happier with the idea of the unknown then knowing something and being disappointed. Its insane. I have this huge dream now and I want to accomplish it and honestly I can't see having a serious boyfriend as a goodthing. I don't want to be held back like I was before.

Last night I dreamed that me and mack went shopping, a guy I had gone out on a date with was there trying to shop lift jeans...I very odd considering he's in the army and makes good money I'm sure. Well I'm talking to him flirting when I see my ex who thinks we are together in my dream. then mack pulls out her laptop and get on the computer, well I go to the jewerly counter and my ex grabs me and draws a ring on my right hand then shoves this yellow gold engagement ring on my finger and says your marrying me. I freak as he drags me out of the store.. i finally get the thing off my finger and run to find mack, who is no where to be found. I panic and grab her stuff and try to find her and get to the car to get away.... I woke up yelling sick to my stomach.........

After that dream I've decided that I have serious committment issues...... I mean I don't even like txting the same guy too much without getting nervous... and Two gold engagment rings are out of style.