Its a lifetime of deciding what to eat for dinner
colors to pick out, pillows on the couch...
Its looking into someones eyes and seeing laughter
catching their eye for an inside joke
its late night talks with less talking and more late night
its tears when your angry but knowing that the afterwards is worth it

but the hardest thing to imagine is it being real..... it sounds like a fairytale amillion years off.... just the simplest things that are made wonderful because you get to do them with someone you love...

Its one of those days where my mind is full of thoughts that I can't find the words to say. Its like I'm in a tower looking at the wisps of clouds floating by and everyone else is too far below to hear me call out so instead I look to the sky and letting my thoughts drift onto paper instead of out of my mouth.... Its like being stuck inside a day dream but the good kind... where its a comforting feeling.

The silence isn't nearly as glorious as hearing the answer to a prayer spoken in a moment of brokenness laid bare at the Lord's feet.

last night the band that was booked played "Into the Mystic" it was so close to the original sound and after the crazy busy emotionally draining night at work the music swept over me... Cleaning beer bottles and shot glasses off tables lit by neon signs i wasn't sure whether I was fighting the urge to cry or if it didn't matter to me at all... THen I thought, "how far away I've come from who I was with him" I thought about how he requested it at my sisters wedding and held me close while we danced to it, singing it into my hear reminding me of the plans we made and the promise he'd uttered that past may.......but as the band fell deeper into the song i seemed to float away from it.... it didn't hold the same meaning and it wasn't his face that I saw.... it was darker and leaner..... a good many inches taller....

another old flame got engaged. wow. I seriously am wondering what is going on. something must be in the water..... I love my life, and yeah I wish that I could make a connection with someone and see where that takes me.... and yes I want children..... alot of them. My parents still give me a hard time about how I use to claim I wanted six children. ha. But the thing is mostly I just want that companionship, the attraction, and the love.

Roots grow and the clouds shift in and out of purples and oranges drift possibilities..... stretching forth through barriers cold as stone water trickling slow and steady with the heady smell of vines tracing down the stairs. silences conjures the best of day dreams lost in the thoughts of a lifetime of what could Be's ... youth allowing the possibility of tomorrow, the infinite hope beyond that of the everyday man. wonderment in not knowing swallows the fears of not hoping and the realization that this is best settles like a first snow on my shoulders.

Its funny how easily you can forget what someone looks like. laying in the sun today thinking things over I can't conjure your face.

I'm so excited to have time off to do what i want to finally. Even working these short days its exciting and I'm making way more money then i would be if i worked a long day in the cafe, not to mention I have so much more fun.

All of these changes were all set in motion by one simple thing, the ending of a relationship. At the end of the day I need to say thanks, thank you to God for clearing a path and thanks to Josh for shattering my heart into a million pieces inorder for me to put the pieces back in the right places without anyones helps but my own. :)

So life has changed so much since April 1st 2011. I've cut my hair short, I dyed it back blonde, I've dropped 25.4 lbs... I quit my job at Espresso and got a job working in a bar and I decided not to go back to Lander and instead follow my heart and go into massage therapy..... next month I'm going with my dad and brother-in-law and finally getting that next tattoo I've designed and wanted forever.... I mean if you're going to ink yourself atleast let it be art :)