I have this fear because the last relationship i was in left such a bad taste in my mouth for love. I'm afraid of love and being loved and making it work even if its hard. I know what i feel but my heart gets scared and sometimes wants the easy way out even though what I have is worth fight for. I've decided I WILL FIGHT with ALL my HEART for this love because I BELIEVE in it and that is WORTH this fight.

There is a blog that I read that had this as a message...


-----Email Message-----I'm so sick of reading anti-choice, misogynistic drivel on your site. Here's a secret for you: a vast majority of women who have abortions don't regret them.



(Alittle background about me.------> I'm adopted through Catholic Charities Dioceses of Charleston. )

So here's my thing....

Dear "I'm so sick of reading anti choice, misogynistic drivel on your site..."
Here's a little secret for you...
I am that abortion that my birthmother would have regretted. She, whether she was put in the situation herself or not, got pregnant. Is my life not worth nine months of suffering until adoption???? Tell me this.... is my life from conception less important than anyone elses????? This is my answer to your psycho analitical babble.... I AM WORTH IT AND THE WOMAN WHO HAD THE HEART, SOUL, AND COURAGE TO CARRY ME IS MORE THAN HALF THE PERSON YOU WILL EVER BE. Think before you speak because you might just offend someone.

I'm a pretty calm mellow levelheaded person. I rarely lose my temper.... because I rarely lose it I don't know what to do when I do.... My blood is boiling right now... my heart is racing... my hands are sweating and i'm about to lose control... best advice??? stay out of my way.

Freedom

Take me away from this place
Trade it for something beautiful
Fly me away from here
Give me the silence
Let me find my thoughts and composure
Up high on a balcony
Let me find my freedom
Let me set myself free
I'll stand alone and listen to the silence
I'll dream and think hope and believe
Take each breath in and exhale out knowing I am alone
In my solitude I find my answers and my strength
I remember I am strong I rember I am fierce
I forget I can I have I might
and relinquish my worry relinquish my pain
I am free I am free I am free

creativity

It taken over the empty cracks constantly fueling a flood of words that crowed the already over run space of what is my mind. It is the constant pulsing of my heart, the analytical illusion of my soul and the meaning behind every word so delicately constructed into a puzzle of metaphors allusions and ideals. It questions my soul, it aggravates my heart, and finally rips free of my mind to take on its own life... A life where it can impact and change so much more than communication. It can uplift, trod upon, create love, inspire a nation. Its simple and yet complex... is is mind.

Its about to get alittle crazy...

Okay so for those of you who don't know, I'm a sorority sister. I LOVE my sorority with all my heart.. but being in one means that I never get to escape girl world. Well because I'm a good sister I try to never say anything to hurt any one's feelings. Well the lids about to get blown off of that right now....

So Sisters of mine, If your reading this... I love you still.... but this is my blog, my venting... deal with it......

First off.... you are in college... If you can't take a harmless joke you should reevaluate why you are so defensive. If you run to your friends and say everyone hates me... you could suffer from paranoid schizophrenia. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it... Don't hang up the phone like a little #@*&% (Add your own choice word here)...

Second off.... STALKING PEOPLE IS NOT OKAY... getting in your car and following stalking out someone residence or where you've seen they might be via facebook is straight creeping and not in a good way. Channel your energy to something productive... like being a detective.. not a freaking crazy stalker.

Third... compulsive lying gets old fast. Your not a good liar and at least learn where your frontal lobe is... I mean seriously how hard is it... frontal... hmmm probably somewhere near the front of your head not the back.

Fourth... Don't make excuses. If you don't want to do something or you like someone better come clean about it... don't make up bullcrap reasons.

Fifth... Don't think everyone is out to get your boyfriend just because your having relationship issues. Its not someone else causing them its more likely than not issues between you. And someone who already has a boyfriend is probably not trying to steal yours. Especially if their's is more attractive, mature, and she is overall in love with him.

Sixth. WEAR the RIGHT size clothes.

and lastly... This is only directed towards a very few people. So don't take this personally... I mean... it is MY BLOG. I can write WHATEVER I choose too. And more than likely this isn't about you. :)

Realizations

Today I figured something out about myself. I am not the college girl you'll find out at a bar on Why Not Wed or Thirsty Thursdays or most of the time not even on the weekends. I'm not the one who is looking for attention in the most flamboyant outfit showing the most skin. I love to have a good time with my friends and I enjoy a good party once in awhile. I had my wild streak... I thought college was about that type of stuff. But what I figured out about myself is for some people college is about that stuff. For me its not. Every now and then I have that urge to go out and go to a bar. But I rather surround myself with good friends in an atmosphere not charged with hormones and sexual tension. I may not be the party girl always ready for a good time but I am the girl next door who wants to have fun, and thats okay.

Rolling time

Today has been one of those days of recognition. My heart has always been venerable, emotions displayed across my face tears welling easily in my eyes. As I've grown older I've learn to hide those emotions (with the help of four years of ROTC) from most everyone excluding my family. I tend to suppress alot. Last night I finally took a pick to my heart of stone and started to chip down the rock surrounding my heart. I am capable of love. I love my family, my pets, my sorority sisters... but when it came to men I feel a sense of distrust and can't help but be wary. I believe all women are, maybe not their first love... first love is always blind. I know we all have our issues and hang ups and life is about recognizing those and learning to overcome them. I've been afraid to lose someone before, but in the end I knew it was for the best so I cut those strings myself. I've dated alot this last year. But I've never been able to balance my freedom with understanding and commitment. I let my heart be shielded because the timing just wasn't right in my life. I'm young. I'm only nineteen so in retrospect I have years to find someone. My preacher said on Easter how he chose his wife to be his partner in this life. Again I am nineteen and have plenty of time to change and grow... YET..



I met my best friend by chance through a mutual friend on Feb.6th.2010 He is different from any type of man I've ever known or cared about. He wants to teach me things I don't know or understand and he's letting me teach him about the things I know. We have different upbringings yet somehow they're not that different at all. He makes me laugh for no reason at all, and when I'm with him everyday tasks are treats. He is my partner in crime, the person I am the most comfortable with outside of my family. His little habits make me fall in love with him more everyday. Its eerie how much we have in common. He is the sunset to my evening and the stars in my sky. The man I love most in this world is my father. My father taught me to love the Lord with my whole heart, my father has done his best to give me and my sister the world, and would gladly give his own life to keep me in this world. I see so much of my father in Joshua. He may have had bumps in his road like every other person. So many times I have heard him say that he must have a someone up there looking out for him to get him unscathed from so many situations, that God must have a purpose for him . The man he is, and the man I know he will become is extraordinary. He is who I have chosen to be my partner in this walk of life.

Once I followed a path of light. I closed my eyes and it stood before me empty and vast yet willing to pull me in. I inhaled deeply and fell... I fell into it and let myself drift. It took me past hills through valleys and brought me to a ocean of freedom. It unfastened my bonds and gave me back the courage and self worth that had been stolen piece by piece word by word. I laid my head against its soft comfort and inhaled again. I moved through fields of color and light as brilliant as sunshine through stain glass. I slid between sheets of silken grass and was tucked beneath a comforter fastened from clouds. Once I followed a path of light.