I want so much out of this life. I want it to mean more than what every other little girl dreams about. I want to do not just great things but amazing things. I can't settle for anything less than the impossible. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've had, I'm thankful for the people I've met and the things they've offered. But I can't keep fooling myself by thinking that is the only thing I'm made for. I'm a runner not the one who stays, yet I've casted myself in the wrong role twice now. I push and push until I break free but I blame it on the other. I'm embracing the current running through me and letting it take me down stream away from everything.

It can chase you down forever... then one day the moment hits you and you realize that the entire time everything you've been running from is exactly what you've been running too/

On those days that I make the mistake of thinking about him.... I just have to say...

"Bless your little heart" and move on. :)

Thinking about everything I've learned quite a few things since march. First off I've matured from a young woman to almost a adult. I'm taking responsiblity and getting things accomplished on my own. I've also learned the value of trying new experiences and not locking myself in. I know that sounds odd but I get locked into situations and determine that I need to see it through the end. I think its actually classified as type of add but I'm not sure all the stats on that. I've also learned that love isnt meant to happen everytime you care about someone. It sound harsh but i've started several new opportunities and then have just let them fizzle out because it wasn't right and it wasn't love. I'm proud of that though....

So I have this list of things I want to do before its too late to do them... and each day that list grows bigger and bigger...

So it might take forever but I am bound and determined to find that type of happiness that lasts forever... these last few months have been amazing. I can't believe I'm almost a fourth of the way done with my massage therapy certification and licensing. Its been unblievable experience... "unbelievable" brings me to ryan. :) God knows what he's doing when he brings people into your life. Its funny that a few months ago he came into my life and now has become such a good wonderful friend. And again I am so thankful for Lindsey Anita Helena Steph Makenly Donielle sherry juliana, all those wonderful people that I'm going through this program and finding such deep connections. especially mak anita and lindsey... God knows exactly what he's doing.... and then there are the amazing women I teach sunday school with... I am so thankful to be in Pod D..... :) God is good.

Driving home from work today , stopped at a stoplight, I looked up at the sky and reminded myself how blessed I am... thinking about the message the day before I sent a prayer up to God. These last few months I feel like I can count the hours in the day by the prayers I send up. And then i realize that there is so much truth behind the unanswered prayers and I am even more thankful for those not being answered then the ones that have been answered. Where would I be today if God answered every prayer I ever prayed? Married to my fourth grade boyfriend! Comical as that thought is other thoughts pass through, like when I thought my high school sweetheart was the one, or that I wanted to be a history teacher.... all of those paths could have turned out alright I suppose, but would I really be doing God's work... Then I went through a bad break up, and thinking about those prayers I am so glad God didn't answer them. As for today.... I've changed how I pray, instead I'm asking God that his will be done and that I can love his people... I opened my heart and mind to his guidance and now preparing for my first test in massage therapy I feel that I am right where I belong. Again riding home from school late at night I prayed on the way home aloud and prayed for the spirit to fall on me and allow me to become an instrument of God's. And for few moments I had that feeling, the one I've always believe is the spirit and I knew loving and helping God's people is where I need to be. I imagine that feeling, the delight and freedom and just feeling God's unending loving wrapping around me is how heaven always feels.... It makes me less afraid to go home, and more moved to pray for the souls of those I love so they can feel that wonderful feeling. As for love.... I cherish my life and I hope that I can bring the joy and love and openness I've found again these last six months into a relationship. I'm not sure what is going to happen... and I'm not sure what falling in love is like.... I know that it isn't a step in a relationship, I know its more than that and sometimes you don't fall.... I know that time is precious and not to be taken lightly because I don't want to move to fast and end up stuck like I was before.... I'll move slowly, pray hard, and trust in God because he formed his plan for me in my mother's womb.